Sala's Grave
by reminiscent-afterthought
Summary: [manga: Charisma Doll] I can't be Sara, Sala and that person torn in between forever.


**A/N: **No-where near finished with Charisma Doll, but this idea sprung up after the first few chapters. :D Also, it went nicely with a new challenge, which meant the perfect time to strike – err, write. (and I finished it in the time it took for my internet to stop playing around anyway *sigh*).

Written for the Becoming the Tamer King (anima/manga) at the RANDOM forum, registration task.

The translation I have of Charisma Doll has the mystery singer's name as "Sala" and Sara's name as "Sara", but then says they're the same name, ie. spelt the same way. I think they're spelt the same in Japanese, but translated differently so it's clearer who's being referred to when – especially since Japanese doesn't have an equivalent to "l".

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**Sala's Grave**

One day, I'm going to stop living this two-faced lie.

Sara and Sala: they're the same name, but not the same person. What I said to Mukai-kun is true: I do want a career in music. But I didn't make the choice to become Sala. I didn't make the choice to hide my face from the wider world. Maybe I do like singing, like hearing the applause from the crowd echo back to me, the sight of people whispering my name…but I can't throw my heart into it all, because it wasn't a decision I made for myself.

It's strange how nobody notices. 'kaa-san does go through a lot of effort to hide Sara. Like my hair; the wavy shoulder-length girls are gone when I'm Sala, stripped off. It's straight instead, straight and short, below the neck. The sort of hairstyle a guy or a girl could wear…and that's who Sala is. The singer without even a gender to draw upon the image. Or the voice: not the forced pitch I throw into it in school, exaggerating Sara's femininity. And maybe I do like that a little, like being able to date the most popular guy in the school and all that, but I like my independence too. I like having my hair the way I want it to be, instead of the way it needs to be to hide Sala underneath.

I guess I shouldn't say _nobody_ notices. Hayase's noticed. But that's all he's noticed. He can't tell either: the face is the same, but he can't tell the voice, or the gender. Maybe he can't tell in the eyes either; he has true charisma, I'm just a charisma doll.

Being Sala isn't so bad, but the worst about it is that it's just not me. Hayase is Hayase no matter what he does, and I want to be that too. I want to be me. Toua high school is a school where everyone has a talent: something they're good at. I wanted to blossom here, just like Hayase had.

Maybe 'kaa-san knew I'm also a little scared. I said I wanted to be a singer and I am one. But being Sala the ambiguous singer is different to being Sara the singer. It's like Sara can't sing; only Sala can. It's like I really am two different people.

And the way Mukai-kun said it to me…

_I like the singer Sala, and your face and name are like hers, so I thought…but you're a little different. When I spoke to you, you were totally different from her._

I was shocked when I heard that. Hurt…and I was already hurt after seeing Mukai-kun carrying that other girl. Not so shocked, I guess. I knew he was popular. I'd known about the other girls, but I'd had this naïve idea he'd stop seeing them for me. Maybe he'd have stopped for Sala, but he didn't like Sara. Sara wasn't good enough.

That's my dilemma, I suppose. Sala and Sara have become two independent people. If Mukai-kun were to find out I'm both, what would he do? Be angry at me for not telling? Come running back to me? Both options are as bad as each other.

I was happy, maybe. A tiny bit; he liked Sala. But he thought of me as Sara, and that made me sad enough to cry. So I only had a blank expression: the intermediate between two conflicting expressions and emotions.

And even what Hayase did to try and cheer me up – even though it was funny seeing him ridicule Mukai in front of the video camera – all I managed was a wobbly sort of expression. Sara and Sala…the divide had become too important.

Still, I have to put a smile on my face, right? I'm strong. I'm independent – or I will be once Sala and Sara have resolved themselves. I almost think I need a new name, a name that shows the true me. Not Sala, the singer. Not Sara, the girl in the music class that Mukai-kun dumped and Hayase took pity on. But I'll go on being Sara, because Sara is the name I was born with. Sala will exist for a brief time and then fade away as her popularity decreases and a new face arrives on scene.

I need to try harder to be me. Somehow.

The truth is though, I don't want Sala to die. But I also don't want Sala to steal the spotlight. Once I go onstage with my own name, won't it be obvious who Sala really is? What will happen then? To my fans? To my name? To Sala's name; Sara's name?

Even before that, there'll be problems. Like that music test: I knew the moment I sing, Sala's voice would come out. The only way to do that was to budge the test; to raise the octaves of my voice, sing high-pitched. High pitched and cute, like Sara. Not the low tone that you can't place a gender on; not Sala's voice.

It wasn't a bad performance, but it still made me want to cry, want to tear my hair out. Moreso than when Mukai-kun dumped me; I could deal with that. But I wanted to sing with my heart, and that performance was anything but.

I don't know why people liked it. I don't know why Hayase was staring at me like that either. Or why he invited me that night.

Sara can't go though. Sala will be singing that night, and the next time we cross paths, it'll be Hayase's first meeting with Sala. I have to forget our time in school before. I have to forget Sala too.

One day, I won't have to do this, this confusing shift between Sara and Sala and that nameless somebody in between. But what type of hole will I have made for myself by that time? Sala, the coward who only sells albums because the world wants to know his or her identity. Sara, the singer-wannabe who tried to become an idol in the shadows and live a separate life in the light.

That's why I don't want it much longer. I don't want to be a coward, who rose to the top through mystery. I want to break out of these four walls – but I go on hiding Sala away. The world can't love both Sara and Sala; Mukai-kun liked Sala. Probably Hayase likes Sala too. And all those other fans; they'll be crushed when they see who Sala really is. And those who like me in school will be crushed as well, when wavy-haired petite and cute little Sara-chan shows herself a little less feminine than they thought.

I can't keep on being both Sara and Sala forever. The real me isn't as easy to categorise as the two of them; I'll slip. I'm slipping already. That look from Hayase; it's like he's already got his suspicions… And if he falls in love with Sala, after Sara's fallen for him…

Sometimes I regret letting 'kaa-san talk me into this. But it's too late for that. Sala simply has to die out and not come back again, so Sara the singer can rise.

That's assuming Sara the singer _can_ rise, after this.


End file.
